Post by Gurgen Hovhanissian on Nov 9, 2016 7:42:59 GMT -5
We’re treated to some uber-campy eighties style cartoon lettering on the screen, seemingly taken from a Scooby-doo video, or possibly Tales from the Crypt. Given that Gurgen is nigh on certain to appear in the assault on the ocular nerve we are about to be subjected to, Tales from the Crypt is probably the safer bet.
The ominous text, accompanied by a slowed down version of March or Die, reads “The misadventures of The Armenian Beast”. A brief wolf howl terminates March or Die and underneath this text, the words “Halloween Special” appear.
The text fades and is replaced by just a single strike of the drum from the start of Gurgen’s theme. We see an image of John Blade kicking ass, literally, and by literally I mean figuratively since literally, these days, means its own opposite. Don’t you just literally die when people use the word like that?
Anyway, the drum strikes continue, each time showing John dealing bone crushing damage to some opponent or other.
Then, we get a clip of John celebrating a victory. The drum reverberates again. John snaps around and looks flabbergasted. It’s rather old footage, it’s left as an exercise of the viewer to try and remember what match this might be from.
The screen turns black. We hear the approaching steps of boots with a hard heel on concrete.
In a flash, we see the boots. They’re black leather women’s boots, reaching up to the ankle. Even though it appears to be a rather large size, the wearer, never the less, seems to have been unable to zip it up all the way, leaving some fat ankles exposed.
The screen is black again.
Another flash, lasting about two seconds. The camera is traveling up the would-be woman’s legs. They’re a pair of hairy legs encased in fishnet stockings. The hairs are squashed against the legs by the stockings in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of the way Christmas trees are packages and shipped.
Like the ankles, the legs are quite voluminous.
Again, we return to the dark. Those with stomachs not made of asbestos and titanium are advices to cease watching at this point.
Another brief clip. We’ve reached the calves and, oh boy, they’re fatter than yo mama’s!
Respite, in the form of yet more darkness. Then, in what can only be described as the dictionary definition of ‘It can’t be unseen’ the drum strikes again and we see The Armenian Beast’s balls prominently displayed under the thin layer of dark blue fabric of a way to small pair of hot pants. One nut is pressed up against the left thigh, the other, accompanied by (not so) Little Gurgen, uncomfortably squashed against the right thigh. The belt buckle tasked with keeping all this in check is shaped like a championship belt, the red, blue and orange of the Armenian flag displayed in the center in fake gemstones.
We breathe a collective sigh of relief when the screen turns to black again. Was that longer than the other cuts? Or did it just feel that way?
When next the drum strikes, we see Gurgen beer gut, or well, wodka gut I suppose, straining against a white shirt. The chest, threatening to rip the shirt to shreds if he inhaled too deeply, bears the lettering ‘Daddy’s Lil Beast’. One Beastly arm is encased in an orange leather sleeve.
We don’t see the other arm, encased in blue leather, until the next cut. Gurgen’s ugly mug is pained mime-white with a small bottle drawn on his right cheek. He’s wearing orange and blue eye shadow, identical in hue to the sleeves of his leather vest. His hair has, through the application of space age nano technology been contorted into two ponytails which also follow the orange and blue color scheme.
Slung over his left shoulder is a baseball bat wrapped in razor wire. The drums cease, there is no more fade to black. We stay focused on the ghostly white face of The Armenian Beast for several seconds.
Suddenly, Beast goes ‘booh’ at the camera.
We switch to stock footage of Blade being startled.
“Hallo, Johnny Blade,” The Beast goes in Armenian, thank Zeus for voice over, ”my name is Beastly Quinn!”
Beastly Quinn holds … her, I guess, belly and has herself a jolly laugh, “Ho, ho, ho!”
The camera shakes ‘no’.
“Too soon?” Beastly queries.
The camera nods.
Beastly Quinn points her barbed wire bat at the camera, “To soon for Santa!”
She looks down to take in his outfit. “Yes, Beastly Quinn knows Halloween has come and gone. But Beastly think, why not dress up for match with Johnny Blade? Make some fun for the fans! Cause otherwise, it’s gonna be a boring match for the fans. Boring, and short. Johnny think he has a chance against Beastly Quinn. Sure … Johnny has a chance. Just like Armenia has a chance to invade and conquer Russia. Not a big chance, though. Who does Johnny Blade think he is, anyway? Beastly is the Beast who wins? Beastly mean …”
She waves the bat at the camera again. “Beastly got the briefcase of choice!”
She pauses to look at the bat, drops it, then bends down to pick up the actual briefcase.
“… briefcase of choice!” she reiterates. Now she studies the briefcase. “Maybe Beastly Quinn cash in briefcase for Femme Fatale title,” she muses.
She tosses aside the briefcase and picks up her bat again. “But first, Beastly kick shit out of Johnny Blade. How do that sound to Johnny? Beastly let Johnny come to ring and do little show. ‘Ooh, I’m so gangsta. Ooh, I’m so though. Ooh, womens loooooove me!’”
Beastly rubs her body, grabbing her … well I guess they’re not MAN boobs now.
“And when Johnny be done showing off, Beastly grab all those chains and that gear … and Beastly ram it down Johnny’s throat! And maybe some beard too! That’s right, Beastly Quinn be bearded lady.”
Content with the level of imminent annihilation she has laid out, Beastly Quinn flips back one of her ponytails.
Still, annihilation could always be just a little more annihilatory.
“Beastly no get why Johnny bring chains and stuff to the ring anyway. It’s not like they’ll help him win matches. Though Beastly admit Beastly do get dis…”
A tennis ball sized spider comes swinging into view. It lands on Beastly’s shoulder. Beastly intently watches the arachnid as it crawls down the front of her shirt. As the eight-legged freak makes its way down, evident by the bulge that’s travelling down, Beastly makes a little dance. “That tickle!” she giggles.
The spider exits at the bottom of the shirt, evidently having found something to grab under there, and continues on its gruesome way.
Beastly keeps watching the spider for a bit longer, even after it exited his field of vision.
“Beastly?” we hear coming from behind the camera.
She snaps out of her reverie. She blinks at the camera a few times, trying to recall what the hell she was on about.
“Oh, right, distracted! Beastly do get distracted. But Beastly got bling too.”
She waves the bat at the camera.
“Meet Hilary. This no be ordinary bat. Beastly find her at garage sale. She be CRAZY old bat. But Beastly assure you, Hilary make EVERYTHING go red REAL fast. Blood red!”
She slams the bat into her left hand, barbed wire and all.
“So, Johnny Blade … Johnny bring jewelry and fancy words. Beastly Quinn bring pain!”
The camera slowly fades to black. Beastly releases the handle but the bat doesn’t fall. It appears to be stuck to her left hand. Beastly shakes her hand in an attempt to dislodge the bat. This fails and Beastly Quinn is left to scratch her hair in befuddlement.
The ominous text, accompanied by a slowed down version of March or Die, reads “The misadventures of The Armenian Beast”. A brief wolf howl terminates March or Die and underneath this text, the words “Halloween Special” appear.
The text fades and is replaced by just a single strike of the drum from the start of Gurgen’s theme. We see an image of John Blade kicking ass, literally, and by literally I mean figuratively since literally, these days, means its own opposite. Don’t you just literally die when people use the word like that?
Anyway, the drum strikes continue, each time showing John dealing bone crushing damage to some opponent or other.
Then, we get a clip of John celebrating a victory. The drum reverberates again. John snaps around and looks flabbergasted. It’s rather old footage, it’s left as an exercise of the viewer to try and remember what match this might be from.
The screen turns black. We hear the approaching steps of boots with a hard heel on concrete.
In a flash, we see the boots. They’re black leather women’s boots, reaching up to the ankle. Even though it appears to be a rather large size, the wearer, never the less, seems to have been unable to zip it up all the way, leaving some fat ankles exposed.
The screen is black again.
Another flash, lasting about two seconds. The camera is traveling up the would-be woman’s legs. They’re a pair of hairy legs encased in fishnet stockings. The hairs are squashed against the legs by the stockings in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of the way Christmas trees are packages and shipped.
Like the ankles, the legs are quite voluminous.
Again, we return to the dark. Those with stomachs not made of asbestos and titanium are advices to cease watching at this point.
Another brief clip. We’ve reached the calves and, oh boy, they’re fatter than yo mama’s!
Respite, in the form of yet more darkness. Then, in what can only be described as the dictionary definition of ‘It can’t be unseen’ the drum strikes again and we see The Armenian Beast’s balls prominently displayed under the thin layer of dark blue fabric of a way to small pair of hot pants. One nut is pressed up against the left thigh, the other, accompanied by (not so) Little Gurgen, uncomfortably squashed against the right thigh. The belt buckle tasked with keeping all this in check is shaped like a championship belt, the red, blue and orange of the Armenian flag displayed in the center in fake gemstones.
We breathe a collective sigh of relief when the screen turns to black again. Was that longer than the other cuts? Or did it just feel that way?
When next the drum strikes, we see Gurgen beer gut, or well, wodka gut I suppose, straining against a white shirt. The chest, threatening to rip the shirt to shreds if he inhaled too deeply, bears the lettering ‘Daddy’s Lil Beast’. One Beastly arm is encased in an orange leather sleeve.
We don’t see the other arm, encased in blue leather, until the next cut. Gurgen’s ugly mug is pained mime-white with a small bottle drawn on his right cheek. He’s wearing orange and blue eye shadow, identical in hue to the sleeves of his leather vest. His hair has, through the application of space age nano technology been contorted into two ponytails which also follow the orange and blue color scheme.
Slung over his left shoulder is a baseball bat wrapped in razor wire. The drums cease, there is no more fade to black. We stay focused on the ghostly white face of The Armenian Beast for several seconds.
Suddenly, Beast goes ‘booh’ at the camera.
We switch to stock footage of Blade being startled.
“Hallo, Johnny Blade,” The Beast goes in Armenian, thank Zeus for voice over, ”my name is Beastly Quinn!”
Beastly Quinn holds … her, I guess, belly and has herself a jolly laugh, “Ho, ho, ho!”
The camera shakes ‘no’.
“Too soon?” Beastly queries.
The camera nods.
Beastly Quinn points her barbed wire bat at the camera, “To soon for Santa!”
She looks down to take in his outfit. “Yes, Beastly Quinn knows Halloween has come and gone. But Beastly think, why not dress up for match with Johnny Blade? Make some fun for the fans! Cause otherwise, it’s gonna be a boring match for the fans. Boring, and short. Johnny think he has a chance against Beastly Quinn. Sure … Johnny has a chance. Just like Armenia has a chance to invade and conquer Russia. Not a big chance, though. Who does Johnny Blade think he is, anyway? Beastly is the Beast who wins? Beastly mean …”
She waves the bat at the camera again. “Beastly got the briefcase of choice!”
She pauses to look at the bat, drops it, then bends down to pick up the actual briefcase.
“… briefcase of choice!” she reiterates. Now she studies the briefcase. “Maybe Beastly Quinn cash in briefcase for Femme Fatale title,” she muses.
She tosses aside the briefcase and picks up her bat again. “But first, Beastly kick shit out of Johnny Blade. How do that sound to Johnny? Beastly let Johnny come to ring and do little show. ‘Ooh, I’m so gangsta. Ooh, I’m so though. Ooh, womens loooooove me!’”
Beastly rubs her body, grabbing her … well I guess they’re not MAN boobs now.
“And when Johnny be done showing off, Beastly grab all those chains and that gear … and Beastly ram it down Johnny’s throat! And maybe some beard too! That’s right, Beastly Quinn be bearded lady.”
Content with the level of imminent annihilation she has laid out, Beastly Quinn flips back one of her ponytails.
Still, annihilation could always be just a little more annihilatory.
“Beastly no get why Johnny bring chains and stuff to the ring anyway. It’s not like they’ll help him win matches. Though Beastly admit Beastly do get dis…”
A tennis ball sized spider comes swinging into view. It lands on Beastly’s shoulder. Beastly intently watches the arachnid as it crawls down the front of her shirt. As the eight-legged freak makes its way down, evident by the bulge that’s travelling down, Beastly makes a little dance. “That tickle!” she giggles.
The spider exits at the bottom of the shirt, evidently having found something to grab under there, and continues on its gruesome way.
Beastly keeps watching the spider for a bit longer, even after it exited his field of vision.
“Beastly?” we hear coming from behind the camera.
She snaps out of her reverie. She blinks at the camera a few times, trying to recall what the hell she was on about.
“Oh, right, distracted! Beastly do get distracted. But Beastly got bling too.”
She waves the bat at the camera.
“Meet Hilary. This no be ordinary bat. Beastly find her at garage sale. She be CRAZY old bat. But Beastly assure you, Hilary make EVERYTHING go red REAL fast. Blood red!”
She slams the bat into her left hand, barbed wire and all.
“So, Johnny Blade … Johnny bring jewelry and fancy words. Beastly Quinn bring pain!”
The camera slowly fades to black. Beastly releases the handle but the bat doesn’t fall. It appears to be stuck to her left hand. Beastly shakes her hand in an attempt to dislodge the bat. This fails and Beastly Quinn is left to scratch her hair in befuddlement.