Post by Gurgen Hovhanissian on Aug 8, 2016 2:34:23 GMT -5
The screen came to life to show us a blurry mess. The image focused, but the mess remained. We were treated to the dead eye of a cat’s head missing its body. So this was what happened to the head of Gurgen’s dinner. Dead eye, singular, since Bottlecap, as if to strike back for all of mouse-kind, was nibbling on the optic nerve of the other one. The eye itself was already residing in the darling little fellow’s belly.
The camera zoomed out to show The Armenian Beast resting his chin on the same table, quietly observing his little friend devouring the mouse hunter.
Gurgen noticed the camera. He pretended to be startled. He swept the cat’s head, with Bottlecap still attached to the optic nerve, flying off the table.
Rising to an upright posture, he greeted us, “Oh, there you are. Welcome! Have a seat.”
The whole thing was spoken in Armenian and conveyed to us via voiceover. Whatever budget had been made available for Beast, they had used it on the first promo.
The camera took position opposite of Beast.
Beast pulled a bottle of wodka from his coat and, surprisingly, an actual glass. He filled the glass to the brim and slid it towards the camera, spilling some of the precious liquid. Beast raised his bottle. A few good gulps later, he wiped his mouth on his beard.
“Beast has met some very interesting … and very dead people, yesterday,” he began in earnest, “And they gave Beast lots to think about.”
Bottlecap was done gnawing at the earthly remains of his mortal enemy. He scurried over to the glass to refresh himself. After which, he sought the comfort of the beard to have a good nap in.
The interruption over, Beast continued, “So Beast has been thinking. Four men in one ring. Beast has done that before … but then it was tag teams. Now it’s every man … or beast for himself. Fighting three men. Beast thinks hard about this and you people know what came out of the Beastly memory? Old lasagna movie … no that’s Garfield … old pizza movie! No, that’s not … oh, Beast remembers!!! Old spaghetti movie with cowboys … no Indians though. Sorry! No ‘naïve Americans’. Beast remembers the right words. Beast is smart after all.”
“In spaghetti movie there are three guys, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. They spend the whole movie fighting each other. Not for a briefcase of choice but for lots of gold. And, you know what? Beast thinks briefcase match is a lot the same. No, Beast is not going to bring six-shooters to the match. Or any other weapon, not even big ol’ rock. Beast asked but NAW said ‘no rock!’”
“Take Danny, for example. Danny is no blondie but Beast thinks he’d be perfect for the ‘good’ role. If Beast has to be honest, Beast likes Danny.”
He leaned in to the camera and confided in a conspiratory tone of voice, “Not ‘kissy face likes’, just ‘bro-likes’.”
Leaning back, he proceeded, “Danny helped Beast a bit when both were in the ring together. And Danny hasn’t said too many nasty words about Beast. Not that Beast would mind all that much. Beast is used to people saying bad things about Beast.”
“So, yeah, Danny is Good.” The Beast fished around his beard, dislodging a cute little one inch spider, legs not included. He found what he was looking for and pulled from the beard an action figure with Danny’s face pasted on it. It was a He-Man action figure.
“Next,” Beast declared, “Trent! Trent and Danny are blood. But they’re not the same. Danny’s nice, Trent’s nasty. Danny helps Beast in matches, Trent fights Beast. Danny deserves hugs, Trent deserves bear hugs … and beard in the face. Trent and Danny are like two sides to the same coin. Good side, Danny, bad side, Trent. Oh, and Trent doesn’t smell very nice either. And when Beast says a thing like that, it means something! Beast thinks Trent uses lots of Axe spray. Beast thinks Trent is lonely a lot. Trent believes Axe commercials. Spray Axe and all the girls come running. Well Trent, Beast doesn’t care what you spray at Hall of Fame. Beast is going to come running anyway … at your face!”
Beast reached into the beard again, upsetting the same spider. The cute little eight legged purveyor of death had had enough and sought a different place of lodging. “So, Trent … nasty, talk shit about Beast, smell funky … Trent’s The Bad.”
He slammed a Skeletor action figure, again, with Trent’s face pasted to it, on the table.
“And Beast doesn’t mean that in a good way … like Michael Jackson’s Bad. Just bad bad, like milk that spoiled in the back of the fridge bad. Look at him … he’s even got those shifty eyes like The Bad in the movie.”
“That leaves just Vano … guess which one you are, Vano?”
More rooting around the beard resulted in a Leech action figure being deposited on the table. (And an actual leech bungeed out of the beard briefly, but this is entirely beside the point)
Beast studied the Leech, with of course, Vano’s ugly mug pasted to it. He shook his head. No, this would not do. He grabbed a pitcher from underneath the table and dunked the contents all over the Leech. It was … something or other. A special cocktail of vile things collaborating to produce a viscose mass of mess from hell. It wasn’t entirely dissimilar from the monster in the 1988 Blob movie, but with added living things caught inside it. Living things that weren’t being dissolved alive, that is.
Beast straightened the Leech, wiped some of the gunk off Vano’s picture and declared, “There you go … The Ugly.”
Beast observed his handy-work. He nodded appreciatively.
“But!” he said, sticking a gunk smeared finger in the air, “Who will win?!”
He arrange Danny the Good, Trent the Bad and Vano the Ugly in a triangle, facing each other.
“In Spaghetti movie … Good wins,” Beast stated, toppling Trent and Vano.
“But this is no movie!” He set them up again.
“At Hall of Fame … who’s going to win? Good … Bad … or Ugly?”
A moment of silence followed. Suddenly Beast leapt up. He slammed both paws on the table, snapping it in half. The action figures went flying.
“The Hairy wins!” Beast shouted at the camera.
As the screen slowly fades to black, Beast noticed Vano-Leech had gotten caught up in the beard.
“Oh, look, Vano wants to cuddle. Beast thinks Vano has a little crush on the Beast. That’s so cute.“
He plucked Vano from the beard. “Vano no worry,” he reassures in English, “Beast crush Vano too.”
And he proceeded to in fact crush the action figure.
“That was a collectible,” coming from behind the camera, was the last thing we heard.
The camera zoomed out to show The Armenian Beast resting his chin on the same table, quietly observing his little friend devouring the mouse hunter.
Gurgen noticed the camera. He pretended to be startled. He swept the cat’s head, with Bottlecap still attached to the optic nerve, flying off the table.
Rising to an upright posture, he greeted us, “Oh, there you are. Welcome! Have a seat.”
The whole thing was spoken in Armenian and conveyed to us via voiceover. Whatever budget had been made available for Beast, they had used it on the first promo.
The camera took position opposite of Beast.
Beast pulled a bottle of wodka from his coat and, surprisingly, an actual glass. He filled the glass to the brim and slid it towards the camera, spilling some of the precious liquid. Beast raised his bottle. A few good gulps later, he wiped his mouth on his beard.
“Beast has met some very interesting … and very dead people, yesterday,” he began in earnest, “And they gave Beast lots to think about.”
Bottlecap was done gnawing at the earthly remains of his mortal enemy. He scurried over to the glass to refresh himself. After which, he sought the comfort of the beard to have a good nap in.
The interruption over, Beast continued, “So Beast has been thinking. Four men in one ring. Beast has done that before … but then it was tag teams. Now it’s every man … or beast for himself. Fighting three men. Beast thinks hard about this and you people know what came out of the Beastly memory? Old lasagna movie … no that’s Garfield … old pizza movie! No, that’s not … oh, Beast remembers!!! Old spaghetti movie with cowboys … no Indians though. Sorry! No ‘naïve Americans’. Beast remembers the right words. Beast is smart after all.”
“In spaghetti movie there are three guys, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. They spend the whole movie fighting each other. Not for a briefcase of choice but for lots of gold. And, you know what? Beast thinks briefcase match is a lot the same. No, Beast is not going to bring six-shooters to the match. Or any other weapon, not even big ol’ rock. Beast asked but NAW said ‘no rock!’”
“Take Danny, for example. Danny is no blondie but Beast thinks he’d be perfect for the ‘good’ role. If Beast has to be honest, Beast likes Danny.”
He leaned in to the camera and confided in a conspiratory tone of voice, “Not ‘kissy face likes’, just ‘bro-likes’.”
Leaning back, he proceeded, “Danny helped Beast a bit when both were in the ring together. And Danny hasn’t said too many nasty words about Beast. Not that Beast would mind all that much. Beast is used to people saying bad things about Beast.”
“So, yeah, Danny is Good.” The Beast fished around his beard, dislodging a cute little one inch spider, legs not included. He found what he was looking for and pulled from the beard an action figure with Danny’s face pasted on it. It was a He-Man action figure.
“Next,” Beast declared, “Trent! Trent and Danny are blood. But they’re not the same. Danny’s nice, Trent’s nasty. Danny helps Beast in matches, Trent fights Beast. Danny deserves hugs, Trent deserves bear hugs … and beard in the face. Trent and Danny are like two sides to the same coin. Good side, Danny, bad side, Trent. Oh, and Trent doesn’t smell very nice either. And when Beast says a thing like that, it means something! Beast thinks Trent uses lots of Axe spray. Beast thinks Trent is lonely a lot. Trent believes Axe commercials. Spray Axe and all the girls come running. Well Trent, Beast doesn’t care what you spray at Hall of Fame. Beast is going to come running anyway … at your face!”
Beast reached into the beard again, upsetting the same spider. The cute little eight legged purveyor of death had had enough and sought a different place of lodging. “So, Trent … nasty, talk shit about Beast, smell funky … Trent’s The Bad.”
He slammed a Skeletor action figure, again, with Trent’s face pasted to it, on the table.
“And Beast doesn’t mean that in a good way … like Michael Jackson’s Bad. Just bad bad, like milk that spoiled in the back of the fridge bad. Look at him … he’s even got those shifty eyes like The Bad in the movie.”
“That leaves just Vano … guess which one you are, Vano?”
More rooting around the beard resulted in a Leech action figure being deposited on the table. (And an actual leech bungeed out of the beard briefly, but this is entirely beside the point)
Beast studied the Leech, with of course, Vano’s ugly mug pasted to it. He shook his head. No, this would not do. He grabbed a pitcher from underneath the table and dunked the contents all over the Leech. It was … something or other. A special cocktail of vile things collaborating to produce a viscose mass of mess from hell. It wasn’t entirely dissimilar from the monster in the 1988 Blob movie, but with added living things caught inside it. Living things that weren’t being dissolved alive, that is.
Beast straightened the Leech, wiped some of the gunk off Vano’s picture and declared, “There you go … The Ugly.”
Beast observed his handy-work. He nodded appreciatively.
“But!” he said, sticking a gunk smeared finger in the air, “Who will win?!”
He arrange Danny the Good, Trent the Bad and Vano the Ugly in a triangle, facing each other.
“In Spaghetti movie … Good wins,” Beast stated, toppling Trent and Vano.
“But this is no movie!” He set them up again.
“At Hall of Fame … who’s going to win? Good … Bad … or Ugly?”
A moment of silence followed. Suddenly Beast leapt up. He slammed both paws on the table, snapping it in half. The action figures went flying.
“The Hairy wins!” Beast shouted at the camera.
As the screen slowly fades to black, Beast noticed Vano-Leech had gotten caught up in the beard.
“Oh, look, Vano wants to cuddle. Beast thinks Vano has a little crush on the Beast. That’s so cute.“
He plucked Vano from the beard. “Vano no worry,” he reassures in English, “Beast crush Vano too.”
And he proceeded to in fact crush the action figure.
“That was a collectible,” coming from behind the camera, was the last thing we heard.