Post by Gurgen Hovhanissian on Oct 3, 2016 0:45:15 GMT -5
We open to … erm … something or other, it vaguely resembles an instrumental version of March or Die which seems to have been passed through the kawaii filter of some Japanese sound editing software.
Instead of being full of soul crushing desperation of doom and gloom, making you want to cut your own heart out with a spoon, the song has become bouncy and bubbly and cheerful and makes you want to sing about puppies and poppies swaying back and forth in a soothing breeze of early spring, never mind the fact that poppies don’t bloom that early in the year.
We see a wrestling ring … but this too has undergone a kawaii treatment. There’s fake grass in the ring with equally plastic daffodils sprouting from it. Bouquets of presumably fake flowers are affixed to the four ring posts. A fake sky full of pastel colors is suspended above the ring.
Cheerful march or die is muted a bit but remains just noticeable at the edge of your hearing.
The camera pans to the outside of the ring where it focusses on The Armenian Beast. By what thaumaturgical craft some brave hairdresser managed this gargantuan feat, we will never know, except if Frank ever gets around to making a bloopers reel, but the Beastly hair has been kempt. For starters, it has been combed and currently hangs down rather than jut every which way. More plastic daffodils have been arrayed among the head of hair. The beard too has been reined in … though not actually trimmed. Can’t have that, what! Beast’s most notorious move would go out the window if they ever trimmed that infernal thing.
“Good evening,” a somewhat Beast-like voice bids us. While it is abundantly clear that Gurgen is not actually producing any sound, he mouths along to what is being said never the less.
“Welcome to Gurgen’s Garden of Great matches,” the faux-beastly voice continues, Gurgen still dutifully miming along.
“Are you tired of fighting pointless matches?”
An inset to the Beast’s right shows the part of the pyramid match where Vano is getting his arse kicked.
“Do you find yourself nodding off all the time?”
More footage of Vano, in referee garb, this time succumbing to an expertly applied Beard in the Face.
“No matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to hold on to that … one big prize you want.”
We see footage of Vano stealing the briefcase of choice and Beast grabbing it right back.
“Then we, here at Gurgen’s Garden of Great matches, we have the perfect solution for you.”
Gurgen climbs the stairs into the ring.
“Here at Gurgen’s Garden, we use the latest scientific discoveries along with cutting edge information age technology to fine tune our solution to YOUR needs.”
Four men have emerged in the ring. They definitely weren’t there before. All four are clad in lab coats. One guy has a stethoscope around his neck. Another is holding a tablet. We can’t see what’s on the tablet, Instagram probably.
The two men nearest to Gurgen help him out of the fur coat and into a lab coat of his own.
“What marvel of highly advanced technology has Gurgen’s Garden come up with?”
The camera zooms in on Beast until we see him from head to waist.
One of the coat wearing associates places the marvel in Beast’s arms.
“The Briefcase of Choice.”
Kawaii march or die is briefly interrupted by the bombastic intro to Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana.
“We have teams of highly skilled workers who construct these with precision tools … and great care.”
We’re treated to some footage of kilt-clad Maori standing on a frozen tundra hacking assaulting just such a case with faulxes. In the background, we see an outline of Guatemala filled in with the Angolan flag. Geographers everywhere weep silently as their craft is being trodden into the sludge of a tundra, melting due to anthropogenic global warming by the jackboots of indifference and carelessness.
We leave the geographers to their sorrows and the Maori to their destructive endeavors.
Dr. Hovhanissian’s breast pocket begins to stir. It seems that, along with a couple of flash drives and a USB power bank, it also houses Bottlecap.
Bottlecap scurries out of the pocket and tiptoes along the Beastly arm to the briefcase.
Speaking of kawaii, Bottlecap is wearing a miniature lab coat.
“But Beast, you might ask, I’m such a loser.” The inset shows a still image of Vano. A crude animation is making his mouth move. “How can a simple briefcase solve my problems?”
We’re focusing on Dr. Beast again. “Well, I’ll be honest with you. We value honesty here at Gurgen’s Garden. The Briefcase of Choice will not solve that breath of yours … you might want to see a dental hygienist about that. But in the ring, you bet this briefcase will make you a winner in no time!”
Gurgen looks at the mouse atop the case, still snugly clad in that cute little lab coat of his. “Allow Professor Bottlecap to demonstrate. Professor, if you will?”
There where little plastic hoops attached to the case’s locks for Professor Bottlecap to pull. How on Earth they managed to get that damned mouse to pull those hoops, is a total mystery, though, the little fellow is routinely rewarded with wodka … as incentives go, that’s a pretty compelling one.
The case pops up an inch or two, proving that there’s quite a bit of stuff in there. To avoid getting caught in the opening of case, Bottlecap seeks the relative safety of Dr. Beast’s breast pocket.
“Behold,” Dr. Beast says as he places his paw upon the lid of the case, “The secret of success Gurgen’s Garden has diligently worked on for the better part of a decade.”
An angelic chorus of gorgeous women dressed in tight fitting snow white dresses with halo shaped tiaras on their heads suddenly pop up behind Beast and sing a prolonged “aaaah”.
Dr. Beast slowly opens the case. He tilts it slightly downwards so the camera can get a good look.
The case is full of … “Briefs,” Beast states.
Kawaii march or die is terminated by the sound of a needle being yanked off a record.
Behind Beast, the scientists and the angelic chorus break formation. They chat amongst themselves. Some light a fag (the British kind of fag, cause, you know, lighting an American fag on fire would be considered murder). Others take off their lab coat and start dismantling the ring decorations.
Even Bottlecap tosses the miniature lab coat out of the breast pocket.
The voice actor too seems to have gone off for a lager as we hear Beast in his own voice, “This be what Vano want? A choice of Beast’s briefs?”
He reaches into the case and pulls out a handful of briefs. Clutching it tightly he shakes the fistful of knickers at the camera. “Beast no know much, but Beast know one thing … this be what Vano deserve.”
He drops the case and briefs scatter across the now bare ring.
“Sure Vano can have Beast’s briefs.”
He pulls one in particular from the bunch and shows it to the camera.
“How about this one, Vano? Vano like it?”
He drops the other briefs and presents the one pair, in all its skid marked glory, to the camera.
“Vano maybe need to wash it … oooh, Beast have idea … How about Beast rub THIS in Vano face? Would make for nice final picture of Vano … knocked out, on the canvas, choking on Beast’s briefs.”
“Vano think Vano be strange? Beast be stranger! Vano think Vano be freak? Beast be freakier!”
Beast spots something on the canvas. He bends down to pick up a red, lacey string.
“Beast wonder where that go,” he muses before carefully proceeding to store the women’s unmentionable in his fur coat. He notices he’s still wearing the lab coat instead, so he opts to stick the string down the front of his pants. There … ain’t no one gonna take that from him! Ever! Even while wearing a hazmat suit!
For a guy who is wont to chase after butterflies, straight onto waiting cargo planes, it’s a miracle that he didn’t lose his train of thought earlier. Suffice it to say, the sexy underpants knocked Beast’s train of thought, not only of the tracks, but straight into the Colorado River where, upon impact, the tactical nuke it was carrying explodes into a ten mile wide mushroom cloud.
“What Beast been saying?” he asks the camera. The camera offers no assistance.
He looks about, gathering clues and finally realizes what the hell he was doing here in the first place.
“Oh right,” he says. Then, without missing a beat, he launches back into tirade mode.
“Peoples explain it to Beast … half dozen times … there be lots on line for Vano. If Beast lose, Beast lose case. If Vano loses …. Vano loses shirt. Vano be ready to go out against Beasty? Last thing Vano see as wrestler of NAW be Beastly beard in face.”
Beast promptly loses interest in the camera and begins to gather his briefs.
The voice actor returns, now no longer pretending to be Beast, he states, “Order YOUR case of briefs NOW for the low sum of … your career. If you order within the next 15 minutes, you’ll get this Vintage Skeletor Action Figure for free!”
We get an image of a hairy paw holding Skeletor in front of the camera. Some moron, perhaps the Massive Moron, seems to have switched his arms around so that Skeletor can now grab his own ass with ease.
An extra cheerful kawaii version of March or Die escorts us to the exit of this abortion of a promo. Somewhere, out there, Lemmy Kilmister turns over in his grave.
Instead of being full of soul crushing desperation of doom and gloom, making you want to cut your own heart out with a spoon, the song has become bouncy and bubbly and cheerful and makes you want to sing about puppies and poppies swaying back and forth in a soothing breeze of early spring, never mind the fact that poppies don’t bloom that early in the year.
We see a wrestling ring … but this too has undergone a kawaii treatment. There’s fake grass in the ring with equally plastic daffodils sprouting from it. Bouquets of presumably fake flowers are affixed to the four ring posts. A fake sky full of pastel colors is suspended above the ring.
Cheerful march or die is muted a bit but remains just noticeable at the edge of your hearing.
The camera pans to the outside of the ring where it focusses on The Armenian Beast. By what thaumaturgical craft some brave hairdresser managed this gargantuan feat, we will never know, except if Frank ever gets around to making a bloopers reel, but the Beastly hair has been kempt. For starters, it has been combed and currently hangs down rather than jut every which way. More plastic daffodils have been arrayed among the head of hair. The beard too has been reined in … though not actually trimmed. Can’t have that, what! Beast’s most notorious move would go out the window if they ever trimmed that infernal thing.
“Good evening,” a somewhat Beast-like voice bids us. While it is abundantly clear that Gurgen is not actually producing any sound, he mouths along to what is being said never the less.
“Welcome to Gurgen’s Garden of Great matches,” the faux-beastly voice continues, Gurgen still dutifully miming along.
“Are you tired of fighting pointless matches?”
An inset to the Beast’s right shows the part of the pyramid match where Vano is getting his arse kicked.
“Do you find yourself nodding off all the time?”
More footage of Vano, in referee garb, this time succumbing to an expertly applied Beard in the Face.
“No matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to hold on to that … one big prize you want.”
We see footage of Vano stealing the briefcase of choice and Beast grabbing it right back.
“Then we, here at Gurgen’s Garden of Great matches, we have the perfect solution for you.”
Gurgen climbs the stairs into the ring.
“Here at Gurgen’s Garden, we use the latest scientific discoveries along with cutting edge information age technology to fine tune our solution to YOUR needs.”
Four men have emerged in the ring. They definitely weren’t there before. All four are clad in lab coats. One guy has a stethoscope around his neck. Another is holding a tablet. We can’t see what’s on the tablet, Instagram probably.
The two men nearest to Gurgen help him out of the fur coat and into a lab coat of his own.
“What marvel of highly advanced technology has Gurgen’s Garden come up with?”
The camera zooms in on Beast until we see him from head to waist.
One of the coat wearing associates places the marvel in Beast’s arms.
“The Briefcase of Choice.”
Kawaii march or die is briefly interrupted by the bombastic intro to Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana.
“We have teams of highly skilled workers who construct these with precision tools … and great care.”
We’re treated to some footage of kilt-clad Maori standing on a frozen tundra hacking assaulting just such a case with faulxes. In the background, we see an outline of Guatemala filled in with the Angolan flag. Geographers everywhere weep silently as their craft is being trodden into the sludge of a tundra, melting due to anthropogenic global warming by the jackboots of indifference and carelessness.
We leave the geographers to their sorrows and the Maori to their destructive endeavors.
Dr. Hovhanissian’s breast pocket begins to stir. It seems that, along with a couple of flash drives and a USB power bank, it also houses Bottlecap.
Bottlecap scurries out of the pocket and tiptoes along the Beastly arm to the briefcase.
Speaking of kawaii, Bottlecap is wearing a miniature lab coat.
“But Beast, you might ask, I’m such a loser.” The inset shows a still image of Vano. A crude animation is making his mouth move. “How can a simple briefcase solve my problems?”
We’re focusing on Dr. Beast again. “Well, I’ll be honest with you. We value honesty here at Gurgen’s Garden. The Briefcase of Choice will not solve that breath of yours … you might want to see a dental hygienist about that. But in the ring, you bet this briefcase will make you a winner in no time!”
Gurgen looks at the mouse atop the case, still snugly clad in that cute little lab coat of his. “Allow Professor Bottlecap to demonstrate. Professor, if you will?”
There where little plastic hoops attached to the case’s locks for Professor Bottlecap to pull. How on Earth they managed to get that damned mouse to pull those hoops, is a total mystery, though, the little fellow is routinely rewarded with wodka … as incentives go, that’s a pretty compelling one.
The case pops up an inch or two, proving that there’s quite a bit of stuff in there. To avoid getting caught in the opening of case, Bottlecap seeks the relative safety of Dr. Beast’s breast pocket.
“Behold,” Dr. Beast says as he places his paw upon the lid of the case, “The secret of success Gurgen’s Garden has diligently worked on for the better part of a decade.”
An angelic chorus of gorgeous women dressed in tight fitting snow white dresses with halo shaped tiaras on their heads suddenly pop up behind Beast and sing a prolonged “aaaah”.
Dr. Beast slowly opens the case. He tilts it slightly downwards so the camera can get a good look.
The case is full of … “Briefs,” Beast states.
Kawaii march or die is terminated by the sound of a needle being yanked off a record.
Behind Beast, the scientists and the angelic chorus break formation. They chat amongst themselves. Some light a fag (the British kind of fag, cause, you know, lighting an American fag on fire would be considered murder). Others take off their lab coat and start dismantling the ring decorations.
Even Bottlecap tosses the miniature lab coat out of the breast pocket.
The voice actor too seems to have gone off for a lager as we hear Beast in his own voice, “This be what Vano want? A choice of Beast’s briefs?”
He reaches into the case and pulls out a handful of briefs. Clutching it tightly he shakes the fistful of knickers at the camera. “Beast no know much, but Beast know one thing … this be what Vano deserve.”
He drops the case and briefs scatter across the now bare ring.
“Sure Vano can have Beast’s briefs.”
He pulls one in particular from the bunch and shows it to the camera.
“How about this one, Vano? Vano like it?”
He drops the other briefs and presents the one pair, in all its skid marked glory, to the camera.
“Vano maybe need to wash it … oooh, Beast have idea … How about Beast rub THIS in Vano face? Would make for nice final picture of Vano … knocked out, on the canvas, choking on Beast’s briefs.”
“Vano think Vano be strange? Beast be stranger! Vano think Vano be freak? Beast be freakier!”
Beast spots something on the canvas. He bends down to pick up a red, lacey string.
“Beast wonder where that go,” he muses before carefully proceeding to store the women’s unmentionable in his fur coat. He notices he’s still wearing the lab coat instead, so he opts to stick the string down the front of his pants. There … ain’t no one gonna take that from him! Ever! Even while wearing a hazmat suit!
For a guy who is wont to chase after butterflies, straight onto waiting cargo planes, it’s a miracle that he didn’t lose his train of thought earlier. Suffice it to say, the sexy underpants knocked Beast’s train of thought, not only of the tracks, but straight into the Colorado River where, upon impact, the tactical nuke it was carrying explodes into a ten mile wide mushroom cloud.
“What Beast been saying?” he asks the camera. The camera offers no assistance.
He looks about, gathering clues and finally realizes what the hell he was doing here in the first place.
“Oh right,” he says. Then, without missing a beat, he launches back into tirade mode.
“Peoples explain it to Beast … half dozen times … there be lots on line for Vano. If Beast lose, Beast lose case. If Vano loses …. Vano loses shirt. Vano be ready to go out against Beasty? Last thing Vano see as wrestler of NAW be Beastly beard in face.”
Beast promptly loses interest in the camera and begins to gather his briefs.
The voice actor returns, now no longer pretending to be Beast, he states, “Order YOUR case of briefs NOW for the low sum of … your career. If you order within the next 15 minutes, you’ll get this Vintage Skeletor Action Figure for free!”
We get an image of a hairy paw holding Skeletor in front of the camera. Some moron, perhaps the Massive Moron, seems to have switched his arms around so that Skeletor can now grab his own ass with ease.
An extra cheerful kawaii version of March or Die escorts us to the exit of this abortion of a promo. Somewhere, out there, Lemmy Kilmister turns over in his grave.